When toys go to sleep in the oven, bad things happen.

The scissors say they won't hurt you, but they're lying.

If rice is wriggling... it's not rice.

If you put something far enough back in your nose, it will come out your mouth.

My cat's breath smells like cat food

Cartman (on a goat sent to him and his friends by some kids in Afghanistan): It's an Afghanistan goat, so it can't stay here, or else it'll choke on the sweet air of freedom.

You can observe a lot just by watching.

Baseball is 90% mental -- the other half is physical.

"The word god is for me nothing more than the expression and product of human weaknesses, the Bible a collection of honourable, but still primitive legends which are nevertheless pretty childish. No interpretation no matter how subtle can (for me) change this."

People often say that motivation doesn't last. Well, neither does bathing - that's why we recommend it daily.
Zig Ziglar

"What you get by reaching your destination is not nearly as important as what you will become by reaching your destination."

Fifteen men on the Dead Man's Chest—
Drink and the devil had done for the rest—
The mate was fixed by the bos'n's pike,
The bos'n brained with a marlin spike,
And Cookey's throat was marked belike
It had been gripped
By fingers ten;
And there they lay,
All good dead men
Like break-o'-day in a boozing-ken—
Yo-ho-ho and a bottle of rum!

Fifteen men of the whole ship's list—
Dead and be damned and the rest gone whist!—
The skipper lay with his nob in gore
Where the scullion's axe his cheek had shore—
And the scullion he was stabbed times four.
And there they lay,
And the soggy skies
Dripped all day long
In upstaring eyes—
In murk sunset and at foul sunrise—
Yo-ho-ho and a bottle of rum!

Fifteen men of 'em stiff and stark—
Ten of the crew had the Murder mark—
'Twas a cutlass swipe or an ounce of lead,
Or a yawing hole in a battered head—
And the scuppers glut with a rotting red
And there they lay—
Aye, damn my eyes—
All lookouts clapped
On paradise—
All souls bound just contrariwise—
Yo-ho-ho and a bottle of rum.

Fifteen men of 'em good and true—
Every man jack could ha' sailed with Old Pew—
There was chest on chest full of Spanish gold,
With a ton of plate in the middle hold,
And the cabins riot of stuff untold,
And they lay there,
That had took the plum,
With sightless glare
And their lips struck dumb,
While we shared all by the rule of thumb—
Yo-ho-ho and a bottle of rum!

More was seen through the stern light screen—
Chartings no doubt where a woman had been!—
A flimsy shift on a bunker cot,
With a thin dirk slot through the bosom spot
And the lace stiff dry in a purplish blot.
Oh was she wench…
Or some shuddering maid…?
That dared the knife—
And took the blade!
By God! she was stuff for a plucky jade—
Yo-ho-ho and a bottle of rum!

Fifteen men on the Dead Man's Chest—
Drink and the devil had done for the rest—
We wrapped 'em all in a mains'l tight
With twice ten turns of a hawser's bight
And we heaved 'em over and out of sight—
With a Yo-Heave-Ho!
And a fare-you-well!
And a sullen plunge
In the sullen swell,
Ten fathoms deep on the road to hell!
Yo-ho-ho and a bottle of rum!

I'm abstinent Lois, it's all in these pamphlets Meg brought home from school. Sex turns straight people gay, and Gays into Mexicans, everyone goes down a notch.

~Peter Griffin

Stewie: Brian, did you see Revenge of the Sith?
Brian: Yeah, I saw part of it.
Stewie: Why does Emperor Palpatine have a desk?
Brian: Huh?
Stewie: In that scene where Yoda comes in and they're about to have that big fight, Emperor Palpatine clearly gets up from his desk. I'm just saying, what does he...what does he need a desk for?
Brian: Who the hell cares?
Stewie: I'm just saying, it's weird. I mean, like, what was he doing at his desk right before Yoda walked in? What was he doing? Was he doing paperwork? Was he, like, "Uh Yoda, what do you need, and will it take longer than five minutes? I'm absolutely swamped. These requisition forms for new TIE fighters have to be down to Debbie in accounting by six or Nute Gunray is gonna pitch a tent in my waiting room."