Episode 1

Boss: “Hi Derf. I’ve got your Q2 objectives now so I’ll send them to you”
Derf: “Oh, I had a meeting with [your boss] and I need to do software testing in Q2 too”
Boss: “Ok.... can you send me it blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah”
Derf: “Sorry, so you want to see the email?”
Boss: “No, just the objectives in your words, so I don’t have to read it and do the thinking... [awkward laugh]”
[Derf maintains a rather unimpressed facial expression, followed by a long pause]
Derf: “Ok.”
[Boss skips back to her desk with more awkward laughter]
[Derf stares at her in disgust until she seats herself]

Episode 2

[Boss walzes over to Derf’s desk]
Boss: “Hi. Question.”
[Derf removes his earphones reluctantly as he was enjoying Sarah Palin interviews on YouTube]
Derf: “Hey.”
Boss: “Do you know if there’s a way to… Remove the password from password protected spreadsheets if you don’t have the password?”
Derf: “Hmmm.”
[At this point, Derf is trying hard not to explode in a fit a laughter]
Derf: “I have no idea. I’ve never really used password protection before on Spreadsheets.”
[Implying “I’m not retarded, I remember my passwords”]
Boss: “Hmmm, ok.”
[Boss walzes back to desk]
Derf: “I can try googling it, to see what comes up.”
[implying: A) I’m going to the BBC website for sports news. B) You could fucking use google, you dumbass.]

Lol. You really gotta wonder how people still manage to be so retarded when they have the world at their fingertips - assuming that your internet isn't as tightly restricted as at Satis' job, of course (but from your comments I'd be really surprised if it were). Oh, the humanity/stupidity.

Your boss sounds like a real paradigm of leadership.

Mine's not too badly restricted. I can watch YouTube now. I just can't go to some 'personal storage sites' and 'social networking sites' like Facebook and... Clankiller.com. I can still fuck off along with the best of them.

My boss is a lazy prick, btw.

Facebook should be banned on every PC by default.

Haha, I much prefer facebook to myspace - because it has a lot of things on their that are functionable. For instance I've recently started teaching Kung-Fu, and I can organise classes/times via facebook which is a big help. Myspace on the other hand, should just give up.

MySpace hasn't given up yet?! Egads!

Did I ever tell you about my boss and the bell curve?

Just to be clear: Myspace should be banned too. Any of that social networking shit. (Rinox is a grumpy old man)

I love Bell Curve stories, I think you told me once. But I love to hear any expression of stupidity again.

Nothing really trumps the bell curve story. Since I've apparently told it already, I'll refrain from repetition. And you really are an old man.

As for derf, he should dove something to make ridiculous amounts of cash and then hire me for a ridiculous salary.

Satis the company I work for could use a new CRM system. Needs to be secure and accessible globally but only for about 200 users. I can provide the spec. I can't pay anything up front of course. When you finish it, i'll have to pitch it, so there's no guarantee of a purchase. We'll make a shitload of money though. We'll go 50/50.

Ready?.... go!

Let me know when you've done the first iteration.

You forgot:

'Any software, program or concept you invent or design while employed at Derfco Ltd. will be the exclusive ownership of the company'

I wonder if that kind of standard contract clause is actually even legally enforceable. How do you own the company anything on what you work in on your own time? If they can prove without a doubt that you used company assets to design or invent whatever it is you did, then perhaps. But if I came up with, say, a miracle coding language while working human resources at a consultancy firm, how could such a restriction even be legal?

(and I'm pretty sure it actually does refer to 'anything at all' because anything you make or design during working hours at the company is clearly not your own property to begin with)

That's what the courts are for, to decide stuff like that. Most of the time, they're pretty reasonable. I doubt that a company could get away with claiming ownership to anything you build on your own time. They can certainly say it, but I doubt a jury would find in the big company's favor. Good thing about jury's is they're made of people, most of which hate big companies to begin with. :p

As for you Derf... send me the specs if you're serious and I'll see what's involved.

Well, from what you told me (and what i heard in general) the justice system in the Anglosaxon world heavily favors rich juggernauts in court cases, so I'm not sure it's that simple. It's one thing to defend a case in court -even one you'll likely win- it's another to have to go through consecutive appeals and keep paying your lawyer.

Episode 3

[While on holiday, the boss emails a colleague of mine, who is a pay grade below me, but happens to be a pretty cool dude. The boss is unfortunately his boss too. Worth pointing out also that the boss ALWAYS works / emails when at home and on holiday.]

Boss: "Your performance stats show up as zero for this week. Could you check and get back to me ASAP?"
Colleague: "Hi X, It would appear that the reason why my stats are at zero is because on the spreadsheet, you've applied a filter. Regards."