The Darwin Awards are out for 2004 ( a little early?) ... Yes, these are
all true. They are finally out again. It's an annual honor given to the
person who did the gene pool the biggest service by killing themselves in
the most extraordinarily stupid way.

Last year's winner was the fellow who was killed by a Coke machine which
toppled over on top of him as he was attempting to tip a free soda out of
it.

And the nominees this year in reverse order are

7. A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting drunk cheaply,
because he had no money with which to buy alcohol, mixed gasoline with
milk. Not surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, and he vomited into
the fireplace in his house. This resulting explosion and fire burned his
house down, killing both him and his sister.

6. A 34-year-old white male found dead in the basement of his home died of
suffocation, according to police. He was approximately 6' 2" tall and
weighed 225 pounds. He was wearing a pleated skirt, white bra, black and
white saddle shoes, and a woman's wig. It appeared that he was trying to
create a schoolgirl's uniform look. He was also wearing a military gas mask
that had the filter canister removed and a rubber hose attached in its
place. The other end of the hose was connected to one end of a hollow tube
approx. 12" long and 3" in diameter. The tube's other end was inserted into
his rectum for reasons unknown, and was the cause of his suffocation.
Police found the task of explaining the circumstances of his death to his
family very awkward.

5. Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low altitude when
another plane approached. It appears that they decided to moon the
occupants of the other plane, but lost control of their own aircraft and
crashed. They were all found dead in the wreckage with their pants around
their ankles.

4. A 22-year-old, Glade Drive, Reston, VA, man was found dead after he
tried to use octopus straps to bungee jump off a 70 foot railroad trestle.
Fairfax County police said Eric Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped a bunch
of these straps together, wrapped one end around one foot, anchored the
other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped and hit the
pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think
Barcia was alone because his car was found nearby. "The length of the cord
that he assembled was greater than the distance between the trestle and the
ground" Carmichael said. Police say the apparent cause of death was "Major
trauma"

3. A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. It seems that he and a
friend were playing a game of catch, using the rattlesnake as a ball. The
friend, no doubt a future Darwin Awards candidate, was hospitalized.

2. Employees in a medium sized warehouse in west Texas noticed the smell of
a gas leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the building, extinguishing all
potential sources of ignition; lights, power, etc. After the building had
been evacuated, two technicians from the gas company were dispatched. Upon
entering the building, they found they had difficulty navigating in the
dark. To their frustration, none of the lights worked. Witnesses later
described the sight of one of the technicians reaching into his pocket and
retrieving an object that resembled a cigarette lighter. Upon operation of
the lighter-like object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces
of it up to three miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians, but the
lighter was virtually untouched by the explosion. The technician suspected
of causing the blast had never been thought of as 'bright' by his peers.

AND THE WINNER.....

1. Based on a bet by the other members of his threesome, Everitt Sanchez
tried to wash his own "balls" in a ball washer at the local golf course.
Proving once again that beer and testosterone are a bad mix, Sanchez
managed to straddle the ball washer and dangle his scrotum in the machine.
Much to his dismay, one of his buddies upped the ante by spinning the crank
on the machine with Sanchez's scrotum in place, thus wedging them solidly
in the mechanism. Sanchez, who immediately passed his threshold of pain,
collapsed and tumbled from his perch. Unfortunately for Sanchez, the height
of the ball washer was more than a foot higher off the ground than his
testicles are in a normal stance, and the scrotum was the weakest link.
Sanchez's scrotum was ripped open during the fall, and one testicle was
plucked from him forever and remained in the ball washer, while the other
testicle was compressed and flattened as it was pulled between the housing
of the washer, and the rotating machinery inside.

To add insult to injury, Sanchez broke a new $300.00 driver that he had
just purchased from the pro shop, and was using to balance himself. Sanchez
was rushed to the hospital for surgery, and the remaining threesome were
asked to leave the course.

Note: This last one wouldn't normally count, because the idiot didn't die.
But because he cannot reproduce as a result of his qualifying act of
stupidity, we have allowed it.