K, so i saw the third LOTR movie today, and i must say that it was ok. But again, some things are just plain weird.

Like, when Aragorn and his "special" (not as in "retarded", REALLY special) army charge, why the fuck can't he keep the dudez0rs? He could own middle-earth!! First have them hobbits thrown into the mountain wearing the friggin ring, shaft them orcs and whoop the big eye! YEAH! And keep some of the trolls ofcourse, it'd be fun to have them as bodyguard when he goes into a nightclub or summit.
Ofcourse we'd need ppl to serve middle-earth dope and booze, and we'll confiscate all of the hobbits left for that. Anyway; so, then we got Gandalf. Let's see wtf we can do with that old knacker...mm, since about the only magic i've seen him do is shoot a lightbeam to them flying monsters we could use him as a HUGE flashlight. Screw that thing frodo is using against that beast, Gandalf is much bigger and older. AND THEN!!!!! the wise, benevolent and pansy elves! I'm thinking of turning all the male elves in shemales, won't be too much work on it. But ofcourse, that could cause sexual confusion in my realms; but even more "but", do i care? No, so shemales it is. Now that the male elves have a full-time occupation being female, what will we do with the female elves?! Tough one, that is, isn't it, that? We throw them....INTO A HUUUUUGGE VOLCANOOOOEEEESS are cool...you can raft down rivers with them, we can make elven canoes out of elven women's bones that are left after we threw them into the volcano and raft down that waterfall near that other beardy wizard's tower. Oh yes, that friggin tower must go down too, i will not have another megalomanous maniac have a tower like me! Let's nuke that bitch, and THEN use his radiated body as a permanent powersource to fuel my personal hot water bag!!!!! Muha. Since dwarves are fucking cool i'll get them out of those stinking caves and promote them to cool things, like Prime Preserver of Coolness and Royal Rimmer or Double-hard bastard of the royal Rinoxian order. WHat the fuck is there left still then? Oh yes, now i see, NOW I SEE!! It's those filthy horse-riding bastards; we're gonna kill the horses and serve them as steak, there will be enough horse steak to last to the end of my days that way, and we're gonna make the riders bake&serve french fries under the command of assistant king/manager Theoden. The long-haired blonde fella gets to clean my toilet, and the horsedudes will be renamed French Freedom Frie Bakers of Rohan. The blonde girl kicks so much ass that she gets to be my personal bodyguard apart from lover. Seeing as she is the only woman left now i made all the elven women into canoes i don't have much of a choice either, then again, i could go and turn toward the elven shemales, but nah. SINCE.....i apparently have INTERMEDEATELY taken over Aragorn for myself during this rant, i will have to find a way to dispose of that old chap too..;he speaks elvish, has long hair, is a bit homo-erotic, not as much as the hobbits tho, so i gues it would only be logical if he or she became head of the elvish shemales, and i now notice that in my genius i have already implented the fact that only elven shemales cannot have children, as they are immortal anyways they do not need canoes to make kids, no sirree. FUCKTHEPOLICE! And the big huge elephant things i'm gonna use to do my lawn or kill bugs in my garden, or both a the same time, or both at the same time while copulatin under the big mountain which then explodes and then buries them under a layer of magma which will be exposed thousands of years later when i am still king ofcourse and it will prove that i was the most powerful king in the universe even if i don't know how yet. I don't need no bitch-ass ring to make me Da Man, i only need ghost armies.I guess that ghost armies don't gotta eat either, so that'll spare me some of my beloved steak that i and eowyn will be eating as the troll bodyguard will watch over us while the long-haired dude is scrubbing my toilet and assistant king theoden is baking my next fries and steak while the ghost army is doing nothing but oppressing every resistance against my rule and the male elves are being shemales under the command of Aragorn shemale exatraordinaire as their female counterparts have become royal canoes and good canoes i might add while the giant elephants are copulating in my yard while squashing bugs and being buried under magma and all the hobbits are serving me beer on waist height as i will be lying down meanwhile sam and frodo and all the orcs and sauron are dead and the other wizard's radiation is being used to power my giant gandalf flashlight as the dwarves sport great and mighty titles. THE END

Just what have you been smoking?

I think it's a good thing you're not Aragorn.

He's drunk. Definitely. He's been feasting on his 8 euro gay-refund

You forgot the fact that hobbits make the finest tobacco-ish stuff, which i think is just plain cannabis; but i understand tolkien couldn't write it like that. So you would want one of those little buggers make your own private caretaker of your very very special garden.

Me drunk? never! Good thinking about the hobbits J...but my rant can't be re-ranted now as it mostly was a flee flow of thought

I still can't follow all of your reasoning Ox. You've got a big army, conquered the elves and then you just want to kill their chicks?
Have you lost your mind? They make excellent slaves in many ways. I'd say you use them for better purposes.

And you don`t have to be scared that you accidently make them pregnant since you can`t make any children with them.

Oh wait, i know why you kill them, since you turn the guys into shemales, it could become a bit tricky if you`re totally drunk (as if that ever happens ) and you can`t see the difference anymore between the shemales and the females. Well not at first sight anyway.

omfg ox, what are you on? did you actually enjoy it or not?

i saw it last tues, was cool. best bit of the film was legolas bringing down the elephant thing and gimli standing there open mouthered..

"that still only counts as one!"

class.

not enough of the dwarf/elf thing this time though

oh, one other thing, in defence of the 'she-male elves' if the dwarves are so uber cool how come only one of the little miners bothered to get his ass involved in the whole thing? are dwarves cowards? gimli was the last one into the tunnel after all...

Bah, that scene sucked! Well, i liked the movie, especially the fighting parts, but i think the ending of half an hour was a bit long...and i also felt like there was a whole lot of info that i missed, prolyl cos of cut-out scenes. (like, who the fuck is the third elf ready to board the ship? And how the fuck did Saruman's orb thingie end up in the water? And ofcourse: why doesn't Aragorn try to score BOTH Eowyn and Arwen? )


In fact, i did some research with a lotr freak pal of mine, and he told me some fascinating things; like that dwarves are totally underestimated in the films. Among other things the elves and the humans were getting their asses kicked by a dragon in the Simmallirion (or sumthing), and they had to beg the dwarves to come and rescue them, and they did, and made the dragon run away. They're THAT tough. And he also told me that in the book Gimli always wins the "bodycount" games by one or two over Legolas. In short; the dwarven unmatched melee prowess isn't worked out too well.


And whay can't elven women have kids? I was relatively sober when i wrote that btw...just let my thought run wild and typed it all, kinda free association/creative writing/crapping about thingie.

I'm not sure who that third elf was, but Galadriel said something about the three rings have lost their power... meaning the three rings of the elves, meaning that third elf had the third ring.... I wouldn't have a clue what his name is or anything.

Any LoTR freaks know?

I saw it last night, the cheesiest bit of the movie was Eowyn's whole "I am no man" bit. And I was a bit cut they didn't do the whole King's healing bit.
The rest was pretty cool.

I'm so glad they cut out the shire being screwed over bit. I definately couldn't have handled sitting for that much longer!

Agree with you though BJ, Gimli's elephant response is the best!!!!

I thought the reunion between Arwen and Aragorn was a bit crappy... but then i suppose it's not a huge thing in the book is it.

The 3rd bearer of the Elf rings was Gandalf. He held the ring of fire.

Yes i also think that the "I am no man" bit was cheesy. ALso i think the film could have been made better if it was less staright forward to understand.

Some bits should have remained a mystery until their revealing.

Ox, if i give you my address can you post me some of that whacky-monster-skunk that you are obviously endorsing.

Hmmm. Theoden being the French Fries Manager? A bit hard when he is dead, but then again you seem to be able to wield the dead so maybe you can control Theoden.

The third Elf is Cirdan, an Elf who should have the third ring, but he gave it to Gandalf to use it.

Cirdan is the shipmaker, the lord of the Grey Havens. And there's no such thing as the dwarves killing dragons for the elves and humans in the Silmarillion. The closest I can get to that scene is the Battle of the Five armies in The Hobbit, and it was a human (Bard from Esgaroth) that killed Smaug so... Also in Silmarillion, men kill most of the dragons. Dwarves aren't much in it, just when they betray King Thingol and kill him for the Silmaril.

Also, the armies of the dead make MUCH more sense in the book. They never get to Minas Tirith. Aragorn uses them to scare away the pirates and the human allies of Sauron at the mouth of the rivers and then he boards the ships they were going to use to reinforce Sauron's troops at Minas Tirith with the armies that he has levvied in a hurry, together with his kin from the north. Then it makes sense that Aragorn releases them as they don't 'fight' stuff, they just frighten the shit out of people. But I think it takes more than a ghost to frighten orcs from Mordor, so they wouldn't have been much use at Pelennor fields. But I guess PJ thought it would make the film too long if he left in the whole plot...

Well, you explain that to the Puppetmaster then, he was the one who told me about it.

There are Dwarves fighting dragons in the Silmarillion, but they don't manage to kill them. It is said though that in one battle with (among other things) dragons that: "Even the Dwarfs couldn't stand their heat, and many withered in their fire" or something like that.
Dwarfs did some pretty good stuff in the sill though, but also cowardous, like betraying Turin.

P.S. FYI, looked this up, I don't know all this by head.